Bedroom Jokes

BEDROOM JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004

Each player shall Furnish his own equipment - normally one club and two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to play the hole immediately after getting onto the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been previously scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before playing the back side.
Slow play is encouraged however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO THINK TWICE BEFORE CONSIDERING MEMBERSHIP AT A GIVEN COURSE. ADDITIONAL ASSESSMENTS MAY BE LEVIED BY THE COURSE OWNER AND THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT PRIOR NOTICE. FOR THIS REASON, MANY PLAYERS PREFER TO CONTINUE TO PLAY SEVERAL DIFFERENT COURSES.

In praise of older women (which in our society means over 25): An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
>Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older woman know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0...

A "Don't remind me again" button

Minimize button

Shutdown feature

An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall girlfriend1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my sytem directory.
Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

BUG WARNING ******** > >Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine article guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. Their ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

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A Clean Dirty Joke

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahhh.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

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Not So Clean Dirty Joke

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets is well endowed. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh". He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, `Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'"

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The New Maid

A guy dial his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says: "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid:
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"

"Is this 832-4821?"

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Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for ours, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so as much as a glass of water!"

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Tarzan "The Ape Man"

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees
for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied,
"Tarzan always check for squirrels."

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A 75-Year Old Man Went To His Doctor

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the old man explains,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing. She even tried putting it between her legs."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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A Man Lies On His Deathbed

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family---a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the man whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if ......"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question. I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies happy, and the wife mutters under her breath,
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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Walking

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced "Ladies, exercise is good for. you. Walking is specially beneficial. And, Gentleman, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.
The room really got quiet. Finally , a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" Replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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A Guy Is Going On A Tour Of A Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

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