BLONDE JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004
You may have heard many of the following, but there are a few gems amongst them:
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.Q: How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
A: Tell her that drinks are on the house.Q: What do you call five blondes in the freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.Q: Why would someone marry a blonde?
A: So they can use the handicapped parking spaces.Q: What does a blonde get when you blow in their ear?
A: A refill.Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Fasten a mirror to the bottom of the swimming pool.Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: They can get the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the W's.Q: What do you call a blonde driving a volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinkin.Q: How do you know a blonde woman is having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.Q: What's the first thing a blonde does Sunday morning?
A: Go home.Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.Q: What's the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.Q: Why doesn't the boss let any of the blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They take too long to retrain.Q: What did the blonde say when asked if their turn signals were working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told him his girlfriend was having twins?
A: Who's the other guy?Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Fifteen. One to make the batter, and fourteen to peel the M & M's.Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A: The white-out on the screen.Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get the Diet Cokes and one to call the electrician.Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday.Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up their lovers car?
A: They burned their lips.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who climbed the glass wall?
A: They wanted to see what was on the other side.Q: What goes vroooom... screech... vroooom... screech... vroooom. ... screech... vroooom... screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing light.Q: What did the blonde yell when her house was on fire?
A: What's the number for 911?Q: A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were walking down the street when they came upon a $20 bill. Which one picked it up?
A: The dumb blond... the other two don't exist.Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electricianQ: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-airQ: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
A: Nothing - they've never met.Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!Q: What was the blonde surgeon's claim to fame?
A: The world's first hemorrhoid transplant.Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"Q: What did the South African blonde give her boyfriend?
A: Apart-head.Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.Q: What is the definition of "fuck off"?
A: The final round of an all blonde beauty contest.Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.Q: What is a blonde's only complaint about oral sex?
A: The lousy view.Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."Q: HOW DOES A BLONDE PREPARE FOR SAFE SEX?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur within 5 miles of home?
A: She moved 10 miles away.Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
A Blonde Boards a Plane Bound for L.A.
A blonde boards a plane bound for L.A. with a coach ticket. She immediately goes and takes a seat in first class. The stewardess goes up to her and explains that she has a coach ticket and can't sit in first class and must go back to coach. The blonde replies; "I'm blonde, smart, rich and beautiful and I don't have to sit in coach." The stewardess politely explains that is not the way it works and she will have to go to coach.
The blonde again replies; "I'm blonde, smart, rich and beautiful and I don't have to sit in coach. I can sit anywhere I want." The stewardess tries to convince her to move, but to no avail. She then goes and gets the captian. The captain again explains that she needs to move to coach. The blonde again replies; "I'm blonde, smart, rich and beautiful. I can sit anywhere I want." The captain then leans over and whispers somethings into the ear of the blonde. The blonde promptly stands up and moves to coach. The stewardess ask the captain; "What did you tell her to get her to move?" The captian replies; "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
Canonical List of Blonde Jokes
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
BLONDE #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!"
BLONDE #2: "Just ignore him." BLONDE #1: "I can't. He's using my hand."This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend,
"Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"
BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"|
BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Did you hear about the blonde who had more on her body than on her mind? was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates? was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease? thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass? thought that intercourse was a state highway?
BLONDE #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
BLONDE #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?"
BLONDE #1: "Snuff."BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."MALE SECRETARY: "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
NEW BLONDE EMPLOYEE: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke: * *Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes? *Blonde Answers: An interprolater! * *We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny *part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths." ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen."
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister, naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?" "Just heating up dinner," she replies.
A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me." "Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch."
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks
"How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks,
"How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks,
"How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded,
"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?" I want a weigh," she says. Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again. "I want a weigh," she says. Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?" "Wousy," says the girl. Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?" Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
Great Pick-Up Lines to Use on Blondes
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
"Look", he explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This offer gets the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word; she reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and every friend he knows. All to no avail. After several hours of work, he finally gives up. The lawyer wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, says, "Hey wait just a minute. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
Without saying a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
So one day a blonde calls her friend and says
"I need you to come over and help me solve this puzzle."
He says, "What's it a puzzle of?"
She replies, "From the box, it looks like a tiger."
So, thinking himself to be a rather good puzzle person, he shows up at her house and she shows him to the table where all of the puzzle pieces are scattered across the table.
The friend takes a look at the puzzle pieces, and then at the box, then back at the pieces, then turns to his blonde friend and says:
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
"Secondly, go get a cup of coffee, and put all of these pieces back in the Frosted Flakes box."
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand
a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks: "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Ha
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