BOYS'
and GIRLS' JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was brokenhearted. After eight months he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention. He's not really your father!"
This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship,
so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very
nice sexual relationship began. Everything was great for about 4 months.
One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... it's
kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor." Cindy says "Okay."
The guy says "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Cindy looks at
him a little funny, but says "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil."
The guy then says "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?". Cindy is getting a little worried, but says"Okay."
Then the guy says "Can you wear some of my clothing? I need for you to
look more like a man." Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this
point, but says "Well.......I guess so." Then the guy says to Cindy,
"Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy, very dejected, says "I
guess you can call me Fred." So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by
the arms and says - "Fred -- You won't believe who I have been sleeping
with these past 4 months!!!"
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night
I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
Two cars collide head-on. Both are totally wrecked, but amazingly
neither driver is hurt. The two drivers, one a man and the other a woman,
crawl out of the wreckage. "Wow!" says the woman. "Just look
at our cars. There's almost nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt.
The Lord must have intended us to meet like this and be lifelong friends."
The man replies, "I agree; this must be a sign from God!" Reaching
inside the remains of her car, the woman continues, "And look at this
- here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together and
celebrate our good fortune and new-found friendship!" With this, she
hands the bottle to the man. Nodding his head in agreement, he opens it and
takes several big swigs before handing it back to the woman. She takes it,
immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.
He looks puzzled and asks, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," replies the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because
the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake,
and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through,
which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said,
"I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around,
and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife
and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his
partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly
and said, "Small world."
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
"What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says,
"Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says,
"That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like cement...once they're laid, it takes hours for them to get hard.
A Man Is Driving Home Late One Afternoon
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the hell," and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!"
The man thinks for a moment and says...
"Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back."
A Man Who Lived...
(arg, groan)
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening."
The man said, "Me, too. Do you act like this with every man you meet?""No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"
When I stopped the bus to pick up Little Johnny for preschool, I noticed an older
woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Johnny said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Johnny replied.
"Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born... couldn't walk for a year!"
Ha
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