LAWYER JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004
From Official U.S. Court Records
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.>
Q: Apparently, then the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.>
Q: What were you doing at that time?Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable
A: I use to be.Q: So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy atarted about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
"Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.> >The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before
you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps
to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations
before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and
did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States
Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the
end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the
shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked
the telephone for listening devices, and asked
"How much do you want it to be?"
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.
The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.
The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade
Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was
a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace
overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St.
Peter,
"I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was
given such small accommodations.
"St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're
really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told,
"We have all of the judges."
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that
would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his
clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash
before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so
that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were
given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed
an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman
said
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good
churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The
church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money
he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.“ The physician
then said,
"Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you
that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease
that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but
the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of
the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said,
"I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin,
it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys
as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!
Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.
How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
His lips begin to move.
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road
and a coyote lying dead in the road?
With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed
and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal
gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
An offer you can't understand.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone
inscribed
"Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked
"Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Because if one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Then, once they are launched, they cannot be recalled, and when they land,
they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers have in common with sperm?
Only one in 20 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
The Lawyers Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea!
It was soooo cold last winter
(How cold was it?) that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!
Say that you're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an attorney.
You have a gun, but only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the attorney twice.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering
through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also
knocking the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean
to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm
going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much
the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out
what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and
you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
"Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've
helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well,
you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls.
I'd say you must be an attorney."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
“Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”
“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Ha
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