MORBID JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says:
"Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
This is so
cruel...Give me more from the top
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?
This is so
cruel...Give me more from the top
One afternoon in a beginners sky diving class, the students sat attentively as the instructor lectured. During class he would take time to answer any of the student's stupid "First Timer Questions". One guy asked:
"If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long dowe have 'til we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
This is so
cruel...Give me more from the top
Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together,but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other. On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!". The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.
That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.
The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".
"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".
"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"
This is so
cruel...Give me more from the top
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
This is so
cruel...Give me more from the top
Did you hear about the man who was driving down the street when, all of a sudden he came across a long line of people. They were all walking single file in the middle of the road. He drove past 100, then 200, then 300, until he lost count. All of them were walking single file down the yellow line in the centre of the street.
Finally up ahead he saw the line of people slowing down to a standstill. At the head of the line he saw a hearse, then another hearse, and then a big black limousine. The limousine had a flat tire and the driver was changing the tire. The man's curiosity was so great that he pulled his car over to the side of the road, got out, walked over to the limousine and knocked on the window. The window rolled down, and he saw a man in a black suit, and next to him on the seat was a dog. Finally the man spoke to the fellow in the black suit.
"Pardon me sir," he said, "but I have never seen a Funeral like this before. Could you tell what is going on?"
The man in the suit replied, "Well in the first hearse is my wife, the dog next to me killed her."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "but what about the second hearse?"
The man in the suit said, "In the second hearse is my Mother-In-Law, and the dog sitting next to me killed her also."
"I'm so sorry," said the man. He then started to walk back to his car. About halfway there he hesitated, and then quickly turned aound and went back to the limousine. He said,
"Excuse me sir, but would it be possible to borrow your dog for a while?"The man in the black suit replied, "Not at all. Get in line."