POLITICAL JOKES
Updated on 04/15/2004
Clinton, Dole and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says,
"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy!
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Dad: Sure son, what's the question ?Son: What is politics ?
Dad: Well son, let's take are home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me, the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her, the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you, the people. We'll call the maid, the working class and your baby brother, the future. Understand ?
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking was totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep. The next morning....
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return the salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir, I see the pigs, Sir," responds the Marine.
"Now hold on, " says Clinton, " these aren't just pigs. These are geniune Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir! " says the marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
The Marine answers, " Yes Sir ! An excellent trade if I may say so myself, Sir!"
The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the water, they realized who they had saved.
"Gosh you're the President!" They exclaim. The President says
"Yes I am, and for saving me, I'll give you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's yours."
The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go pick it out. The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President tells him to go pick it out. The third guy tells the President that what he wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy who risked his life to save the President of the United States'. The President asks him why he wants that. The third guy answers:
"Once my daddy finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!"
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got 3 wishes?
The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times, only 1 wish could be granted.
Bill thought a minute and said, "I wish for peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting."
The genie looked at the map and said, "You must be from Arkansas! These countries have been fighting for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good, I don't think it can be done. Go ahead and make another wish."
Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin. I wish that she be made the most beautiful and well liked woman in the whole world."
The genie thought for a minute and said: "Can I see that map again?"
Many years from now, former President Clinton goes to the pearly gates of
Heaven.
"You can't get in," says St. Peter. "You cheated on you
taxes, you lied to the people who trusted you, and you were a womanizer.
"What will it take to let me in?" asked Clinton.
St. Peter thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, since you took
advantage of only one beautiful woman, I think it is only fitting that you
be reminded of you heinouse disrespect for all women," and he produced
the ugliest lady that Bill Clinton had ever seen. "You'll have
to spend all eternity with this lady," said St. Peter
Clinton winced at the prospect, but he agreed if it was to be the only way
to get to heaven. He wandered off with the ugly woman on his arm and
soon ran into Newt Ginrich with an even uglier looking woman in his arm.
"Guess you had trouble getting into Heaven too," Clinton said.
"Yep, tax problems mainly," replied Newt.
They were still conversing when along came Ross Perot. He had a fantastic
looking blond on one arm and a buxom redhead on the other and two drop-dead
gorgeous brunettes following behind.
"Did you have trouble getting into Heaven Ross, asked Clinton, admiring
the beauty of the women.
"Nope not at all," replied Ross Perot, "....but these ladies
had some real bad tax problems back on earth!"
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked
her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is
in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no
way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she
stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone
and called the white house.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted
to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk.
You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@&# GOOD-FOR-NOTHING
JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"......
A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway-department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half-dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doin'?" he asked.
"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied,"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Ha
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