WISECRACKS
Updated on 04/15/2004

One Liners

• We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; least we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
  -- Mark Twain --
• It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
• No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
• The difference between Politics and a horserace is that in a horserace the whole horse runs....
• Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
• So, where exactly in the food chain would you like to fit in?
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
• Did we REALLY have a problem with children and lighters??
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• One out of every four people suffers from some form of mental illness-So the next time you're with 3 of your friends, study them carefully-If they seem OK - You're the one!!
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back
• Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
• If you are travelling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
• Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
• Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.
• Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
• If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• There are always one more imbeciles than you counted on.
• "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." --Dave Edison
• "If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?" --Calvin Trillin
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• It's amazing what you can accomplish with a little hard work and a lot of whining.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
• Work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like there's no-one watching!
• Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling". (**caution - leave air holes)
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . . .
• All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
• There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
• I was the one who asked for Ice, but this is ridiculous! (A passenger of Titanic)
• When I was a kid, asked god every night to give me a bycicle. Then I realized that god does not work that way. So I stole one and now I ask god to give me forgiveness.
• The advantage of Alzheimer that every day you can meet new people.
• Live like this is your last day of your life. Then one day you'll be right.
• Jogging for people with less inteligence to watch TV.
• Beauty is only a light switch away.
• If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
• Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
• Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
• A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Ha Ha Back to the top

YO Mamma Is So Fat

• When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
• When she dances she makes the band skip.
• When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
• She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
• Her ass has its own congressman.
• Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
• When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
• Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
• Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
• She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
• The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
• The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
• When your father mounts her, his ears pop.
• "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
• When I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on the lightbulb.
• All the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo mama"
• When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
• Instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears  Levi's 1002's.
• When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
• She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
• She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
• When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
• She could sell shade.
• When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
• People jog around her for exercise.
• I ran around her twice and got lost.
• She gets runs in her jeans.
• Her blood type is Ragu.
• When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
• If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
• She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
• When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
• She can't even jump to a conclusion.
• She broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
• She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
• Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

Ha Ha Back to the top

Top 50 OXYMORONS

Ha Ha Back to the top

AirLine Crew

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Ha Ha Back to the top